Fete in the First Order
by EsmeAmelia
Summary: Of course Kylo Ren doesn't celebrate Fete, but he can't escape it.


AN: You all know I don't own Star Wars, but it's a habit to keep saying that. I know Christmas is technically over, but this idea only just came into my head. This fic also takes place before TFA.

"Fete in the First Order"

By EsmeAmelia

Fete was a nuisance.

Technically, they weren't even supposed to celebrate Fete on the Finalizer. It was a Republic holiday, but just like how it had stuck around when the Empire rose, it stuck around in the First Order too. Officers were contacting their families and exchanging gifts instead of working. The cooks in the galley had ordered expensive ingredients to fix up a proper Fete feast. Even the _stormtroopers_ were celebrating. Though stormtroopers had been raised to serve the First Order since infancy, the ones who went on missions found out about Fete and told the others about it, and the idea spread like a virus.

Of course Kylo Ren didn't celebrate, but he still couldn't escape the decorations in every corridor, every turbolift, every station. Colored lights strung on the walls, stupid little knickknacks of snowmen or candles on the desks, even paper snowflakes stuck in the Finalizer's little nooks. _Paper snowflakes_ – were his troops _five?_

Then there was the _tree_.

Some idiot or other had set up an actual Fete tree in the recreation center, chopped down from some planet while on some mission and brought to the Finalizer and _decorated._ Kylo wanted to find whoever was responsible and Force-choke the person, but that would require probing every last mind on the ship and possibly revealing that Kylo Ren let something as inconsequential as a Fete tree bother him.

So fine. Let them have their fun. So long as it didn't interfere with anyone's duties, there was no reason for Kylo to bother. This stupid holiday might even be good for morale. Kylo could ignore it.

And so what if Ben Solo once loved this holiday?

Kylo ground his teeth behind his mask as he strode down the corridor. No, Ben Solo was dead. He'd been dead for years – killing him had been easy.

But keeping him dead was more difficult.

It was days like this when Kylo was extra-grateful for the mask. No one would know if sweat drenched his face or his teeth were digging into his lips.

Or if his eyes were moist.

All he had to do was look in anyone's direction and they would put down their presents and snap back to attention, but they weren't supposed to _have _the presents in the first place. Kylo even spotted _Hux_ carrying a present – why anyone would waste a present on that useless moron, Kylo had no idea.

Of course Kylo had no presents. He _wanted _no presents. Presents were for weaklings.

The day dragged on with Kylo refusing to acknowledge anything to do with Fete and no one acknowledging it to him even if they were wishing everyone else Happy Fete. Of course, he didn't attend the expensive feast – he was perfectly satisfied to eat his own meal alone in his quarters, far away from the frivolity. He went to bed feeling like he could finally _breathe_. The stupid holiday was over and tomorrow would be a normal day.

. . .

"_Look Daddy, look!"_

"_Hey buddy, what'd Uncle Luke get you for Fete?"_

"_A toy X-Wing!"_

"_Awww, well we're gonna have to thank him."_

"_Ben, are you ready to put on the Fete songs?"_

"_Yeah Mommy, I wanna sing!"_

Kylo's eyes opened to blackness, his body numb, his mind refusing to acknowledge the dream despite it swirling through his being. He ran a hand over his eyes, finding that they were moist again, and with that realization his breath shortened as if he were drowning.

He scrambled out of bed and stumbled over to his grandfather's helmet, sinking down into the seat in front of it. "I'm sorry," he whispered, bowing his head, feeling too full of shame to look directly at the mask. "Forgive me, these dreams, they keep coming. They're trying to weaken me. Please Grandfather, help me drive them away."

Silence.

Maybe his grandfather would have spoken if he had waited longer, but his body was trembling, his mind was numb, his spirit _needed_ something. As if he were being compelled to do so, he rose from the seat and, without even bothering to get dressed, made his way out of his quarters.

Kylo Ren wandering the Finalizer's corridors in white pajamas would definitely have been the subject of gossip, but no one would ever know. A simple nudge with the Force would turn the security cameras away from him and simple mind tricks would keep the few troops on duty during the ship's night cycle away from him.

The recreation center was dark and empty. Lonely. The floor chilled Kylo's bare feet as he stepped into the complete blackness, the sharp odor of the Fete tree filling his nostrils and briefly taking him back to Ben Solo's life, how Ben would lie under the Fete tree with his parents and gaze up into the sea of lights and ornaments in the greenery.

And with a flick of Kylo's fingers, the tree's lights were on, illuminating the evergreen in bright colors. Kylo didn't dare step any closer to the tree, but he stood there and stared, blinking, blinking, blinking, occasionally wiping his eyes.

Ben Solo would have gone right up to the tree, inhaling the evergreen's odor until it made him dizzy.

Ben Solo would have examined every branch until he found every last ornament.

Ben Solo would have made up stories about the different ornaments.

Ben Solo would have even _made_ his own ornaments and given them to his parents.

Not Kylo Ren.

As he stared at the tree, the lights expanding before he wiped his eyes again, for the briefest of moments Kylo actually _missed_ Ben.

But only for a moment.

What was he _doing _here anyway?

His breath shook, coming in and out through his teeth like a hiss. He wanted to just push the tree over with the Force and show that it had no power over him, that Ben Solo _was_ dead and not even this holiday could wake him, but the spinning in his brain wouldn't let him concentrate enough to do so. He should go back to bed, forget all about this holiday, forget about Ben Solo.

But he kept still, staring at the tree.

Staring into the light.

THE END


End file.
